Samuel's Soccer Safe Space
Hi haters™,
It has been a minute since I dusted off the ol’ blogging skills so please forgive the extra typos. I am not planning on getting back in the blog game for realsies – not at the moment anyway (never say never) – in part because podcasting (subscribe here), instagramming (follow here) and having two smallish kids running around leaves me little time to dedicate to a medium that I love but simply doesn’t offer much bang for its buck anymore. (Thanks Obama.)
Also, if you’re wondering why the blog is appearing here, I gave a little explanation about the recent evolution of Sam’s Army HERE, and feel free to catch me on the twits/gram if any questions come to mind. But enough about that. Let’s focus on what is really truly important: SOCCER.
So why are we gathered here today?
Because there are a TON of people who “like soccer” but don’t feel like they have a club to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, ‘til death or 5th/18th place finishes do you part… and the size of this group is about to grow exponentially thanks to the World Cup that FIFA – in their infinite wisdom/corruptness – scheduled for November.
If you are one of those people looking for a club then, by golly, this is the blog for you. If it doesn’t, no sweat, take a sip of honesty juice and ask yourself these questions:
- Do I like sports?
- Do I like drama?
- Do I like money?
- Do I like an excuse to drink before noon?
If yes then congrats, this blog is for you as well!
This is actually the 9th annual edition – WE BEEN DOING THIS FOR NINE FRICKING YEARS?? – of this “Guide To Picking an EPL Club” blog and they had been getting longer each year, so one thing I am going to try to go with this one is cut it down in size. Apologies in advance if it is missing some bells and whistles from previous editions.
Now without further ado, let’s get to it…
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PICKING AN EPL CLUB
A couple tips to keep in mind when picking a club:
1) There is no rush. Do NOT pick one right away. Watch some games. Talk to some people. See which teams or even players speak to you. That kind of relationship has a far better chance of lasting versus a shotgun marriage.
2) Balance the pluses and minuses between picking a “big” and “small” club. The bigger the club the more wins you get to enjoy but the more “plastic” and “bandwagon” jokes you may have to endure. The smaller the club the more respect you will earn from long-time soccer fans but at the same time it means relishing fewer wins and it may end up being harder to develop a lasting bond with them since – facts are facts – losing stinks.
3) Probably not the first consideration but if you plan on going to a game at some point geography matters at least a little bit. London (south) is obviously the most convenient option but don’t forget that England is roughly the size of Alabama so getting from one end to the other – even all the way up to where the Whitewalkers roam near Newcastle – is not THAT hard.
So with that as the abbreviated intro, let’s get to the meat and potatoes of the blog. I always struggle with how to order the clubs so I am going to use the preseason title-winning odds and start with longest shots and work our way down to the big swinging dongs of the EPL cracker factory (plus the North London teams)…
Recent additions:
- American connection: self-explanatory
- “Hipster score”: how many brownie points you will win in the eyes of soccer hipsters if you end up picking this club
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N00BS (Newly Promoted Clubs)
If you pick a club in this group be prepared for a lot of L’s this season. On the other hand you are free to celebrate draws like wins, wins like sex, and avoiding relegation like a trophy.
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BOURNEMOUTH (odds to win the league: +150,000)
Location: South coast (SW of London)
Biggest rivals: Portsmouth
American connection: None
Hipster score: 88/100
Life as a Cherries fans is rarely dull. They got relegated to League Two in 2008 while facing financial ruin but bounced back strong under then-manager Eddie Howe (plus an influx of cash from a reclusive Russian owner involved in “petrochemicals” – definitely not shady!) and climbed all the way to the Premier League in 2015. “Never boring, always scoring… or getting scored on” was their modus operandi during that five-year stint in the big dance thanks to a propensity for scoring and/or conceding goals willy nilly. After getting relegated in 2020, and losing Howe (now at Newcastle), they are back this season and the goals have been flying in...to their own net. Unfortunately, their summer transfer business – or lack thereof – and early results point to a rough season ahead. Their last three games have ended 0-4, 0-3 and 0-9 losses (YIKES), which has already resulted in Scott Parker becoming the first manager sacked. As it stands, the Cherries are at risk of becoming another yo-yo club (bouncing back and forth between the top two leagues) like Fulham and Norwich City. Or maybe they will shock the world and stick around!?
Fun fact: their nickname – the Cherries – is so bad it is actually good.
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NOTTINGHAM FOREST (+100,000)
Location: Midlands (smack dab in the middle of the island)
Biggest rivals: Dærby County
American connection: CEO Dane Murphy
Hipster score: 96/100
After 23 long years in the Championship, the Tricky Trees are back in the big time. The club has one of the coolest names in the world, a great logo, clean jerseys and all kinds of history – and not just because they were founded almost 160 years ago as Forest have won the league as recently as 1978 and have back-to-back European Cup (aka Champions Leagues) from 1979 and 1980 in their trophy case. As for how they will fare in the Premier League, that is clearly an open question. The club – under Murphy’s stewardship – were one of the most active clubs in all of Europe and spent MASSIVELY this summer in the hopes of sticking around a while. Among the more recognizable incomings is mercurial midfielder/TikTok star Jesse Lingard from United, Morgan Gibbs-White from Wolves and Watford’s Emmanuel Dennis. With big spending comes elevated expectations… and yet despite all the splashed cash, the bookies still have them among the favorites for the drop. Gonna be an interesting season win, lose or draw!
Fun fact: Nottingham Forest have worn “Girabaldi red” ever since they were founded in 1865 and are actually the reason that Arsenal wear red as well, as Forest donated a full set of jerseys to “Woolwich Arsenal” when they were founded in 1886.
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FULHAM (+100,000)
Location: West London
Biggest rivals: Chelsea, QPR and Brentford
American connection: current players Antonee Robinson and Tim Ream were preceded by a long list of OGs, including Brian McBride, Clint Dempsey and Carlos Bocanegra
Hipster score: 91/100
Most Americans who have been around a while inevitably have a soft spot in their heart for Fulhamerica – so nicknamed because of all the USMNT players who have graced the field at Craven Cottage (their stadium) over the years. Dempsey, McBride, Bocanegra, Kasey Keller, Eddie Lewis, Eddie Johnson and Marcus Hahnemann are the names that come to mind. Ream and Robinson have continued the “special relationship”. So point being if you love – and I mean LOVE – America and would like to pick a London team for convenience reasons, then Fulhamerica may be the club for you. The club has recently been yo-yoing back and forth between the Championship and Premier League, and the oddsmakers currently like them to get sent back down yet again so the season seems could be a bit of a struggle for the Cottagers… though two draws in two games, including an opening weekend draw with title contenders Liverpool, is not a terrible start!
Fun fact: Craven Cottage is one of the more historic (read: oldest) stadiums in the Premier League, and located in west London is both easy to get to and in a cool spot right on the Thames.
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“STAYING UP IS THE GOAL”
It is not these clubs’ first rodeos and hefty size of the Premier League television contract means they can buy a nice player or two every now and again, but their ambitions are more or less limited to sticking around the top flight. Though they have roughly the same chance of lifting silverware as Tottenham. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
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BRENTFORD (+75,000)
Location: West London
Biggest rivals: Fulham and QPR
American connection: None
Hipster score: 77/100
The Bees are unique. They are owned by a professional gambler and have a strict Moneyball-like approach to identifying talent (“buy low, sell high”). Last season was their first in the top flight in 75 years and they had a helluva campaign, essentially cementing themselves in the middle of the table from the very start. That may sound boring to new fans but is a huge accomplishment in the Premier League, where surviving to receive another year of that goodgood TV contract revenue can massively impact the direction of a club. Given Brentford's unorthodox recruitment philosophy, they remain one of the league’s bigger wild card teams and fittingly feature one of the biggest wild card players in Ivan Toney, a guy who scored a gabillion goals in the Championship two seasons ago but has yet to prove he can do it consistently against Premier League defenses. The Bees no longer have the feel-good story of Christian Eriksen, who headed out to Manchester United, but even so Brentford are a fun and dare I say quirky side to follow… and it doesn’t hurt that they are located in London.
Fun fact: Brentford's owner also owns Danish club FC and the clubs are "affiliated" so if you or your family is from that neck of the woods you may have a soft spot for the Bees.
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SOUTHAMPTON (+100,000)
Location: South coast (SW of London)
Biggest rivals: Portsmouth
American connection: None
Hipster score: 68/100
The Saints were for many years considered the gold standard for upper mid-table mediocrity, which believe it or not is a compliment in Premier League circles. However, years and years (and years) of watching their most talented players (and coaches – eg, Ronald Koeman, Mauricio Pochettino, et al) poached by the likes of Liverpool, Spurs and United eventually took a toll as Southampton has been fighting tooth and nail to stick around for several seasons in a row. Manager Ralph Hasenhuttl brought a balls-to-the-wall pressing style over from RB Leipzig a few seasons ago, which is usually entertaining but has also resulted in some lopsided losses like last season’s historic 0-9 drubbing against United. Geographically, the club are a solid choice being located on the (lovely) south coast of England not far from London, and aesthetically they have some of the more pleasing jerseys in the league.
Bonus fact: Southampton have precisely one trophy to their name – the 1976 FA Cup – so nobody will accuse you of being a glory-hunter if you become a Saints fan.
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EVERTON (+100,000)
Location: Liverpool
Biggest rivals: Liverpool, respectability
American connection: tons of former players led by Tim Howard
Hipster score: 36/100
Kinda funny, kinda sad that Everton’s recent fall from grace has seen them relegated from “Middle Class Social Climber” and inserted firmly into the “oh ffs we may legitimately get set down to the Championship” camp. Americans will of course remember fondly Tim Howard’s success as the face of the club for a decade, back when the Toffees were consistently good but never being quite good enough. Everton’s owners have never been shy about splurging on expensive players but their drunken sailor spending – and Rafa Benitez’s woeful stint as manager last season (further bolstering his legendary status among Liverpool fans) – caught up with them as the club avoided the drop by the thinnest of margins. Considering how much money was spent on the squad, it was a horrifically embarrassing campaign and didn't get any better under his replacement (ex-Chelsea legend) Frank Lampard, who has – shall we say – yet to prove himself as a coach. Things went from bad to worse when the Toffees sold their most dynamic player this summer (Richarlison to Tottenham) and striker Dominic Calvert-Lewin got hurt in preseason, though the club did belatedly bring in some reinforcements late in the window. It remains to be seen if they did enough to avoid another relegation scrap. So if you have a thing for people/clubs who have fallen on hard times but have the potential to get back on their feet… or if you have a far stronger/faster/smarter/more successful/better looking sibling (aka Liverpool)… then perhaps Everton may speak to you.
Bonus fact: supporting Everton means enduring a lot of L’s but it also means you can be friends with Pepper Mills, a superfan who drops absolute BANGERS for a lot of big game days.
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WOLVERHAMPTON (+100,000)
Location: West Midlands (just NW of Birmingham)
Biggest rivals: West Brom and Walsall (and Aston Villa)
American connection: None (recently sold Owen Otasowie to Club Brugge)
Hipster score: 55/100
Wolves (who try to go by “Wanderers” but let’s be serious) bounced between divisions a lot until Fosun International, a Chinese conglomerate, bought them in 2016 and started buying every Portuguese player they could get their hands on. The club’s approach, depending on who you talk to, is either innovative or devious as they partnered with Portuguese super-agent Jorge Mendes in an arrangement that some suggest involves skirting rules on how players are bought and sold. Regardless, love it or hate it, there is no denying two things: (1) there is a faint waft of controversy surrounding the club’s transfer policy and (2) their special sauce has worked pretty damn well as they have established themselves as a solidly middle class club. There are some question marks coming into this season due to wholesale changes to their backline and the lingering injury concerns with striker Raul Jimenez. However, like moths to a flame, the club has gone right back to the Portuguese well and signed winger Gonçalo Guedes from Valencia and Matheus Nunes from Sporting. Wolves playing style is not one that anyone will confuse as exciting but if B1G football and workmanlike performances are your thing, or if you live in Tennessee and/or just like wearing the color orange, then this may be the club for you.
Fact: in case you haven’t noticed, if you are Portuguese or like Portugal this is definitely the club for you.
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CRYSTAL PALACE (+50,000)
Location: South London
Biggest rivals: Brighton (and Millwall)
American connection: Chris Richards
Hipster score: 59/100
The Eagles have been a solidly lower middle class Premier League club for a number of years now. If your dad drinks Bud Heavies or especially Red Dog then they might feel a little like home. Palace seem to have navigated a tricky period marked by a lot of squad turnover and the departure of long-time stalwart manager Roy Hodgson… but Patrick Vieira – a familiar face for Arsenal and NYCFC fans – has done well since taking over last season. The roster is full of workmanlike players with several standouts (eg, Wilfried Zaha and Eberechi Eze) that add some spice. They have developed a rep for not beating themselves and making opponent earn everything. They also just added American CB Chris Richards from Bayern Munich so seeing how he fares in the run-up to the World Cup is reason enough to pay attention to the Eagles. The club is located in the (greater) London area so traveling to see them is relatively convenient – plus they are one of the few clubs in the league with cheerleaders and the Selhurst Park game day experience is supposedly one of the best in the league.
Fun fact: Crystal Palace is Rebecca Lowe’s childhood club… if rooting alongside America’s soccer mom is your thing then look no further.
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LEEDS (+30,000)
Location: Yorkshire (middle north)
Biggest rivals: United (and Chelsea)
American connection: the vogue team for USA fans thanks to recent arrivals of Jesse March, Brenden Aaronson and Tyler Adams (plus honorary American Jack Harrison)
Hipster score: 90/100
Big club with a rich history that fell on (extremely) hard times in the mid-2000s but has at long last returned to the Premier League. There are three very important things to know about the Whites:
(1) for reasons that Americans will never quite fully understand, Leeds are absolutely despised by pretty much every other club in England.
(2) Prior to returning to the PL in 2020, Leeds spent 16 years as the butt of “poor” jokes because they spent way beyond their means and were forced to declare bankruptcy in 2006. As a result, the club went from playing in a Champions League semi-final in 2001 to playing in lowly League One.
(3) The club is newly synonymous with ‘MERICA (F Yeah). Manager Jesse Marsch replaced club legend Marcelo Bielsa in the middle of last season and helped save the club from relegation, then brought in Brenden Aaronson and Tyler Adams this summer thus unofficially changing the club’s name to Leeds United States of America. Marsch has not strayed too far from Bielsa’s wild and woolly playing style, which can make for fun, unpredictable, high-scoring games. The club is another one of those “never boring” types but results have been rather unpredictable since being promoted back to the top flight. They finished an extremely impressive 9th in their first season but last year barely managed to avoid relegation by the skin of their teeth. It is anyone’s guess where the club finishes this season, but the presence of so many Americans means you will never be rooting alone if you pick Leeds.
Fun fact: especially with the USMNT scheduled to play/beat England in the World Cup on Black Friday, and because the rest of England have an inborn hatred for the club, there really are a ton of great reasons to jump on board the Leeds bandwagon this season.
BUY NOW RIGHT IN THE HATERS' FACE
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MIDDLE CLASS SOCIAL CLIMBERS
These clubs will at time show bursts of class, and could potentially threaten to snag a European slot (Champions/Europa League) but are unlikely to win the league… though Lester’s magical run is a useful reminder that you just never know. [Note: clubs listed in order of the preseason odds heading.]
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LESTER (+75,000)
Location: Leicester (East Midlands)
Biggest rivals: Nottingham Forest and Derby County
American connection: GK Chituru Odunze
Hipster score: 39/100
Six years removed from the most preposterously successful season in the history of sports, the club did an admirable job of translating that success (and the money that came with it) into a solid foundation among the upper middle class of EPL clubs. Most of the key pieces from that Cinderella squad have been poached by bigger clubs (eg, N’Golo Kante, Riyad Mahrez, Harry Maguire and Danny Drinkwater – big time LOL on the last two), and long-time GK Kasper Schmeichel just left this summer, but they still have the ageless wonder Jamie Vardy running amok up top to remind fans of that special season. The club has restocked the shelves several times in the years since, and manager Brendan Rodgers has done a solid job of keeping the train on the tracks, but it does feel as though the club is at risk of slipping down a few pegs if it doesn’t make some more of its patented shrewd business moves – and soon. Needless to say, the title-winning season is far enough away at this point that you don’t have to worry about people calling you a bandwagon-jumper if you decide to throw your lot in with the Foxes. Finally, not necessarily a huge consideration when it comes time to picking a team but the club recently had to go through a rather tumultuous time after beloved owner Vichai Srivaddhanaprabha died in a helicopter crash right outside the team’s King Power stadium.
Fun fact: your boy Arlo White – who recently jumped ship from NBC (and thus the Premier League) for LIV Golf of all places – is a bigggggggggg Lester fan.
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ASTON VILLA (+75,000)
Location: Birmingham (midlands)
Biggest rivals: Birmingham City (and West Brom)
American connection: co-owner Wes Edens (former players include GKs Brads Guzan and Friedel)
Hipster score: 44/100
A hugely historical club that was a founding member of both the original Football League (in 1888) and the Premier League (in 1992), the Villans have won tons of silverware and believe it or not used to be a force in European competitions decades ago. However, the club fell on hard times right around the time Randy Lerner – owner of the world-beating Cleveland Browns – bought them in 2006. Irony? Coincidence? Nah, I’m sure it was just bad luck. Either way, the club is now co-owned by Egyptian and American billionaires who have been spending BIGLY and appear to be charting a course back to the comfortable upper middle class. The club recently sold golden boy Jack Grealish to Man City for a buttload of money, which they used to refurbish the squad under manager (and former Liverpool legend) Steven Gerrard. Villa has gotten off to an awful start this season, which has some people hitting the panic button, but it would be wildly disappointing if they got drawn into a relegation battle and all in all the club seems like it has a decent chance to establish itself among the upper-mid-table teams. Suffice to say nobody will call you a bandwagon fan for choosing Villa. As for location, Birmingham is located in England’s version of “flyover country” (though I assume they call it “train-through territory”) so if you live in the Midwest you might be kindred spirits with Villa fans.
Fun fact: they have a fierce local dærby with Birmingham City but have more or less left their rivals in the dust thanks to the recent spending spree (coupled with Birmingham’s struggles)
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BRIGHTON (+15,000)
Location: South coast (south of London)
Biggest rivals: Crystal Palace (and Portsmouth)
American connection: None
Hipster score: 71/100
More so than most other Premier League clubs, the Seagulls have spent most of their time in the lower divisions. After earning promotion back in 2017, Brighton used mostly smoke, mirrors and manager Graham Potter’s genius to barely stave off relegation for several seasons but have more recently found their footing and are – for the moment anyway – squatting in the firmly middle class house that Everton was forced to sell when they could no longer make the metaphorical mortgage payments.
The club doesn’t spend a ton of money and don’t necessarily score a ton but play a pleasing counter-attacking style, and has developed a reputation for doing more with less. It is only a matter of time until a “big club” tries to buy Potter but as long as they can hang onto him they seem likely to stick around the Premier League, especially with the recent influx of cash from big-money sales of Ives Bissouma (Spurs) and Marc Cucurella (Chelsea) that they can now invest – wisely no doubt – in unsung young talent. Brighton and Hove (the city’s actual real name no cap) is located on the south coast of England just across the channel from France, so that’s pretty cool I guess, but the club’s most unique feature is its owner Tony Bloom, whose nickname is “The Lizard” and is believed to have become a billionaire as a professional gambler (mostly on horses and cards).
Unfortunate fact: Brighton and Hove may be a little too similar to Trinidad & Tobago for our liking but at some point we as American soccer fans are going to have to get over there… I’m just not quite there yet.
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WEST HAM (+30,000)
Location: East London
Biggest rivals: Millwall and Tottenham
American connection: None
Hipster score: 66/100
The club represents the traditionally hardscrabble East End of London full of blue collar fans who don’t need beautiful play but won’t tolerate a lack of hustle, desire and grit. For any American football fans in the house, the Hammies’ newly-retired captain Mark Noble and Danny Woodhead are essentially sports brothers from different mothers. That said, things are changing – at least a little bit. The club moved from the historic (but small) Upton Park to the massive (but sterile) London Stadium. This has brought an influx of cash that management has not been shy about spending, but it came at the cost of losing a little of West Ham’s identity. Maybe some fans would disagree with me about that, which is fine, but it is what it is.
There are some similarities between West Ham and American teams that are overshadowed by higher profile rivals in the same big city... notably the New York Jets, New York Mets, Chicago White Sox and perhaps Los Angeles Angels come to mind. West Ham feels like a team on the upswing (another similarity with the Mets) as they are fresh off an impressive couple seasons that saw them finishing in 6th and 7th place – a lot better than recent seasons. The Hammies somehow figured out how to keep sought after guys like Declan Rice and Jarrod Bowen, and added a dynamic Brazilian playmaker in Lucas Paqueta from Lyon just as the window closed.
Bonus fact: rooting for West Ham means you are (tangentially) associating with the Green Street Hooligans of Elijah Wood movie lore, which is in fact a fictional group based on the machinations of the Inter City Firm, one of the more infamous groups of European soccer hooligans.
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NEWCASTLE (+10,000)
Location: Southeastern Scotland (basically)
Biggest rivals: Sunderland, human rights
American connection: ex-Falcons FC winger Miggy Almiron
Hipster score: 12/100
The Magpies have a rich history of success and tons of trophies but haven’t won anything of note in decades. After a long hateful relationship with notoriously cheap (former) owner Mike Ashley, it is a brand new day for Newcastle after the club was bought by Saudi Arabia – and not just a measly prince like Man City, but the actual country of Saudi Arabia (or at least their sovereign wealth “investment” arm) meaning that in theory they have an endless supply of oil money at their fingertips. The truth is that recent rule changes limit the amount of spending means Newcastle can’t immediately join the rarefied air of the Big Six, but it would surprise precisely nobody if they steadily close the gap over the next few years. WARNING: the only thing more abundant than petro-dollars when it comes to Newcastle will be “jokes” about Saudi Arabia’s human rights record and the crown prince’s connection to brazen murders of journalists critical about the regime… so be prepared to handle those ahead of time. On the plus side, Newcastle have lots of fun players like Allan Saint-Maximin (who's even better on social media), Miggy Almiron and Bruno Guimarães; a well-respected manager in Eddie Howe; and in the medium- to long-run the club is only headed in one direction: up. That's the power of money right there, folks. Plus, the gameday experience attending a match at St. James is allegedly about as good as it gets, provided you don’t mind trekking up to (damn near) Scotland for it.
Fun fact: the club has one of the most straightforward and iconic jerseys around
...when they are not using them to advertise Saudi Arabia, that is.
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THE BIG SIX
Don’t get it twisted, the “Big Six” does NOT necessarily mean the best six clubs in any particular season. Teams can and do finish ahead of one or more of them every now and again. However, at the end of the day money talks and these six clubs both take in the most money and (with some notable exceptions) spend the most to secure what most of them see as their soccergod-given Champions League slots.
If you pick one of these teams – especially one not located in North London – you might be on the receiving end of some “plastic” or “casual” jokes… don’t worry about it. I have a ton of respect for anyone picking a lesser club and sticking with it but let’s be serious: losing sucks. Especially for n00bs, if picking a team that wins more than they lose is going keep you more connected to the sport, then just do it and tell anyone giving you grief to go eff themselves.
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MANCHESTER UNITED (+3,300)
Location: Manchester (northwest England)
Last title-winning season: 2013
Biggest rivals: City, Liverpool and their owners (the Glazers)
American connection: ownership
Hipster score: -7/100
Notable fans: Russell Crowe; Roger Moore (meh Bond); Sean Connery (best Bond); Usain Bolt; Harry Styles; Rory McIlroy; Megan Fox; Than Shwe (ex-Commander of Burmese Military Junta); Dax McCarty
Consummate old money club. They were the first team to tickle America’s balls and bathe in the glorious monetary rewards by entering into a cross-licensing arrangement with an American team – the New York Yankees, fittingly – way back in the early 2000s. This was fitting given that both teams have glorious histories (and aren’t afraid to tell you about them – whether you ask or not). A better sports analogy, though, is that United were essentially the New England Patriots of the Premier League until their Scottish Bill Belichik (aka Sir Alex Ferguson) retired in 2013, after which the club has been in a bit of a tailspin finishing outside the top four on several occasions and winning the title precisely ZERO times.
Like any team with more money than god, United has responded by trying to spend its way back to respectability. Unfortunately they have a knack for throwing money around like a drunken horned up sailor. After numerous aborted restarts under David Moyes, Louis Van Gaal, Jozay Mourinho and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, there is hope that Erik Ten Hag (newly arrived from Ajax) might be the one to finally put them back in the title mix. Compared to most of the other Big Six, United have lacked an identifiable playing style since Ferguson left, which is something Ten Hag has been tasked with changing. Even so, they always bring in recognizable names and this summer was no exception, adding the likes of Christian Eriksen, Casemiro from Real Madrid and Antony from Ajax. The club likely has a little ways to go to really get back in the mix with the top clubs but they at least have the financial resources to eventually get there… assuming the Glazers don’t siphon it all away.
Not-so-fun fact: the relationship between the fans and American owners, the Glazers (who also own the Tampa Bay Buccaneers) is – shall we say – “difficult” as fans are pissed the family has siphoned tons of money away from the club rather than reinvesting it and the issue comes up any and every time the club does poorly… solution: just win baby.
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CHELSEA (+2,500)
Location: West London
Last title-winning season: 2017
Biggest rival: Arsenal; Tottenham
American connection: Christian Pulisic
Hipster score: 1/100
Notable fans: Larry Nance Jr, JJ Watt, Justin Bieber; Michael Caine; Sienna Miller; Will Ferrell; Billy Idol; Martin Tyler; Gordon Ramsey; Bill Clinton; Kevin Garnett; Scott Darling
Textbook case of a club transformed by a new owner with deep pockets not afraid to spend ridiculous sums of money to win... which has been awesome for fans – as long as they are willing to not ask questions about where all that money came from. The owner in question was Roman Abramovich, a Russian oligarch who (magically) amassed a fortune through questionable means and used it to buy and revolutionize the West London club in 2003. They have enjoyed lots of success in the past two decades but currently find themselves in a bit of turmoil as Abramovich was forced to sell the club this summer (in the wake of war breaking out in Ukraine) due to his uncomfortably close ties with Vladimir Putin. Chelsea’s new owner is Todd Boehly, who also owns the LA Dodgers. On the plus side Boehly is not intimate with a dictator who poisons and/or throws enemies out of hospital windows. On the other hand, Boehly is going to run Chelsea like an actual business, which means the club will not benefit from hundreds of millions of dollars that Abramovich was willing to essentially donate to make them extra competitive.
As for the club itself, Chelsea has been a rollercoaster in recent years. If you are drawn to relationships with lots of fighting and great make-up sex, this might be the club for you. It is not unheard of for Chelsea to win the league one year then fire their manager the very next fall after getting off to a slow start. Current manager Tommy Tuchel replaced club legend Frank Lampard in January 2021 and immediately helped the Blues win the Champions League, but things have soured a bit as his “defense first” strategy has begun to wear on fans. Part of the problem is the presence of Christian “The Babyjesus” Pulisic, America’s golden child/attacking mid, who was not allowed to leave this summer despite clearly not getting along with Tuchel (a suspected anti-American terrorist). This situation is a complicated one for US fans and should be studied carefully before throwing your lot in with Chelsea, though there is something to be said for the club’s location in a posh part of London and consistently competitive status.
Bonus fact: the presence of The Babyjesus automatically indemnifies you against any accusations of bandwagon-jumping.
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TOTTENHAM (+1,500)
Location: North London
Last title-winning season: 1961 (lol)
Biggest rival: Arsenal, Chelsea and actual success
American connection: None
Hipster score: 24/100
Notable fans: Billy Beane; Pierce Brosnan (bad Bond); Phil Collins; JK Rowling; Steve Nash; Jude Law; John Cena; Samuel Army
Not a club for the faint of heart. Spurs have contended for the league title – or “put the pressure on” – several times in recent seasons and came a controversial handball away from potentially winning the Champions League… and then those golden years ended with only a whimper and an Audi Cup to show for it when Mauricio Pochettino was sent packing in 2019. Dear Leader Jozay Mourinho and Nuno Espirito Santo both came and went like sharts in the wind, and now the club finds itself near the start of the Antonio Conte era with plenty of newfound hope and lots of revenues from a big beautiful new stadium (albeit tons of debt as well). The club enters the 2022-23 season with what should be one of the more dangerous offences in the league – on paper anyway – led by Harry Kane, Son Heung-Min and troll god Richarlison, plus the added belief that comes with having a manager like Conte who has won everywhere he goes… but the long-standing question remains about whether they will ever actually win something.
London rivals in shambles. @SpursOfficial just keep on #winning. Save some banners for the rest of the league, dang!! pic.twitter.com/nyXZA9J57Y
— Sam's Army Podcast (@samsarmy) January 25, 2021
Fun fact: The last “trophy” Spurs won was really a “trinket” (aka the Make-Beleague Cup) in 2008, meaning the last actual legitimate trophy was back in…………. wait for it………….. 1991. Yeesh.
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ARSENAL (+1,000)
Location: North London
Last title-winning season: 2003
Biggest rivals: Tottenham; Samuel Army; Chelsea
American connection: GK Matt Turner
Hipster score: 18/100
Notable fans: Justin Bieber; Queen Elizabeth and Prince Harry; Demi Moore; Keanu Reeves; Jay-Z; Puff Daddy; Mick Jagger; Piers Morgan; Kevin Costner; Lindsey Horan, The Tweedles of Goonerville
The Gunners were once known for playing beautiful soccer under long-time manager Arsene Wenger, which was the closest thing the EPL had to (old school) Barrrrrrthelona. That was then and this is now, however, as the club has struggled to compete for a number of years in a row in the post-Wenger era as Unai Emery and more recently Mikel Arteta have sought to right the ship. Arsenal finished above their hated local rival Tottenham for like 50 years straight but their dip in form plus Spurs’ recent ascendency resulted in a shift in the balance of power with St Totterinham’s Day (when Arsenal clinch finishing higher in table) having been on hold since 2016… though this season the battle for North London looks as competitive as it has in quite some time. Neither club is likely to win the title but finishing ahead of their hated rival is the next best thing.
Regardless, Arsenal are a club with a decent history of success (especially in the FA Cup), with deep pockets (when their hated American owner Stan Kroenke opens the purse strings) and a lot of good young core led by Martin Odegaard, Bukayo Saka, Emile Smith-Rowe and Gabriel Martinelli, et al. The club had been lacking an identity since Wenger left but things have been coming together over the last year or so, and may have just gotten the extra little boost it needed by enlisting the help of former Man City players Gabby Jesus and Oleksandr Zinchenko (where Arteta was an assistant under Pep Guardiola for several years). Also, if you like loud boisterous fans who yell a lot whether you win or lose… perhaps this is the team for you.
Bonus fact: Matthew! Jebediah! Turner!
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LIVERPOOL (+600)
Location: Liverpool
Last title-winning season: 2020
Biggest rival: Everton, United and The S*n (aka Scum)
American connection: ownership
Hipster score: 3/100
Notable fans: Samuel L. Jackson; Brad Pitt; Elvis Costello; Dr. Dre; Mike Myers; Liam Neeson; Daniel Craig; Caroline Wozniacki; Lebron James (part-owner); Tyler Terens; TJ McConnell
Liverpool were a serious force in the 1980s but slipped back a bit during the “Premier League era” which began in 1992, and – aside from a miraculous Champions League run in 2005 and Luis Suarez-powered second place finish in the EPL in 2013-14 (remembered best for Stevie G’s slip) – the club was consistently a few steps behind the league leaders. Like fans of Notre Dame football, they were of course mocked mercilessly for living in the past and never winning in the present. That was before manager Jurgen Klopp joined from Dortmund in 2015 and brought his hard-charging, high-pressing style, which along with some very shrewd transfer moves (eg, Virgil Van Dijk, Mo Salah and Sadio Mané) led to the breakthrough when the club finally won the Prem in 2019-20… which was seen as even more precious than the Champions League the club won in 2019.
Despite losing some of the stalwarts from the recent trophy winning campaigns, most notably Mané to Bayern Munich this summer, the Reds are still pretty stacked and are expected to be in the title hunt again this season. However, year in and year out they do not spend as much as the likes of Man City – their main title rival in recent years – so they are more dependent on making their money count. This is in part because owner John Henry and Fenway Sports Group, which owns the Boston Red Fox as well, chooses not to go dollar for dollar with City Football Group. So long story short, they spend a lot of money and are really good but don’t spent as much money as annual title favorites Man City. Also, they have some of the most passionate fans around, which you really gotta respect, but this sometimes manifests itself in annoying other fanbases.
Time to settle a debate. Whiniest Premier League fanbase:
— Sam's Army Podcast (@samsarmy) August 31, 2022
Bonus fact: if you are going to pick Liverpool then you have no choice but to do a little homework and read up on the Hillsborough disaster in which 97 fans were killed at an FA Cup match against Nottingham Forest due to overcrowding and negligence. In doing so, you will come to appreciate why the entire fanbase to this day still hates The S*n newspaper with a vengeance.
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MANCHESTER CITY (-240)
Location: Manchester (NW England)
Last title-winning season: 2022
Biggest rival: United, Champions League and OPEC
American connection: GK Zack Steffen is on loan at Middlesbrough plus some OGs like Claudio Reyna and DeMarcus Beasley
Hipster score: 2/100
Notable fans: Aaron Rodgers; Gallagher brothers (Oasis); Ricky Hatton; Timothy Dalton (bad Bond), Alex Caruso, Rudy Junda
The Cityzens spent many years as the whipping boy for crosstown rival United. The club was the "other" Manchester team for so long that some fans may still think of them as that even after they've now won the EPL six times – SIX TIMES! – in the last decade. In fact, deep down in their soul, lifelong City fans still probably think of themselves as the scrappy underdogs. Here’s the thing though: they ain’t. Not anymore. Things changed and changed quickly for the club when were bought by a Middle Eastern sheikh in 2008, who immediately injected untold sums of money into the team. This – along with poaching manager Pep Guardiola from Bayern a few years ago – has established them firmly among the league favorites year in and year out (and current two-time defending champion).
Calling a spade a spade, City – unless/until Newcastle’s Saudi sugar daddies really starts swinging their D(ollar)s around – is the league’s biggest "new money" team, which is ironic given how long they toiled as the unloved, underfunded little brother of United. The club often splurges on big-money signings, including last year’s record-breaking move for Villa’s Jack Grealish ($140 million) and this summer’s acquisition of the hottest striker out there in Erling Haaland from Dortmund, which is the kind of spending that other clubs experience only in their wet dreams. Did they break the rules by spending too much per UEFA’s “financial fair play” rules to get where they are? Yeah, probably. Club reps essentially admitted it in stolen emails. But their high-priced lawyers got them off with a slap on the wrist and if you ain’t cheating you ain't trying. Also, to City’s credit they tend to spend wisely – relative to their crosstown rival anyway – and Pep has managed to massage all (or most) of the big egos, such that they can rightly claim to be the cream of the EPL crop at the moment. Money and winning has a way of chilling people out after all. The big question now is whether they can finally win the Champions League where the club have consistently shit the bed.
Bonus fact: City Football Group also owns New York City FC, so any newly minted soccer fans in the metro region could easily pull a two-fer by claiming Man City and NYCFC.
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And there we have it. As I suggested at the top, there is no roadmap for picking a club. Everybody’s journey is different. But hopefully this helps give your heart a little push in the right direction.
If you thought this was helpful do me a favor and pass it along to anyone for whom it might be useful. Also, don’t be shy about SUBSCRIBING TO THE PODCAST and/or snagging some FIRE FLAMES MERCH. Thanks for reading you beauties!
Holler,
Samuel Army